New Directions

     I told myself I would write when I felt the hankering.  This is my new reality.  I am deeply in love with someone who lives 2000 miles away.....like really love him.  My first thought is why did I fall so hard fro someone that I can't ultimately have?  Does hurting so bad when he leaves outweigh the good times we have?  Is it healthy to suffer so bad after experiencing such rapture?
     I asked myself this the last time Drew Tinnin left the love nest.  And the answer?  Absolutely on all accounts.  It is worth every ounce of joy that I feel when he is near me to feel so alone and not the tug but the drag of my heart strings along the ground when he goes.
     We recently became "nonexclusive" What does that mean to people over 30? We are both in a position that we don't want to settle down, but the more I think about it.....I would be able to settle down with him.   IF he asked me to fly to Vegas and get married and let him impregnate me, I would.  I lie and say I am not ready for that.  Is it because I am scared to be alone for the rest of my life....maybe. 
      I really thought that being with Jonny was forever...as much as I was unhappy, I was ready to do that with him.  I asked him if he was ever going to ask me to marry him and you know what he said with obvious tears in his eyes? "I guess I should have asked you to marry me a long time ago"  What the fuck is that??  If you were hesitant then, why would you ever ask?
     But I guess if Drew isn't ready now, what is going to make him ready in the future?  I feel like the issue on the table is always "what more is there out there?"  When does one realize that you should just cherish what is right in front of you OR what clicks inside and says cling to what you have because floundering a few more years ISN'T worth it.
     I mean look at Nick, he said those words to me and wanted to "sow his seed" and see what else was out there and got TWO not one girls pregnant and where is he now?  Is he happy? Did he make the right decision?  Maybe I should ask him.
     As I sit here and listen to the (at the time closet case) Elton John talk about life and love, do I really learn anything?  I used to weep so much when Drew left me alone in Austin fucking Texas, but it is easier everytime.  We have even talked about how lonely we both feel and know that it's because we aren't here (or there) for each other.
     We know we don't want to settle down and have a "family", but when will that happen?  Will it ever?  I brought up whether I thought I would have kids and was leaning on the probably not side of things and he immediately stepped up and said "I will have kids with you"  Well when is it ok to take that step off the ledge?  35? 40? and why am I comparing kids to committing suicide??   How many more years will my womb lay barren before someone will stop by and fill it?  And do I want it to be occupied in the first place?  I have wanted the kick in the pants to shake me loose from this pickled state of being.   I am tired of being saturated.  Maybe it would be the life shattering realization that there is more out there than drinking and making life harder by walking through the fog of alcoholism