New Directions

     I told myself I would write when I felt the hankering.  This is my new reality.  I am deeply in love with someone who lives 2000 miles away.....like really love him.  My first thought is why did I fall so hard fro someone that I can't ultimately have?  Does hurting so bad when he leaves outweigh the good times we have?  Is it healthy to suffer so bad after experiencing such rapture?
     I asked myself this the last time Drew Tinnin left the love nest.  And the answer?  Absolutely on all accounts.  It is worth every ounce of joy that I feel when he is near me to feel so alone and not the tug but the drag of my heart strings along the ground when he goes.
     We recently became "nonexclusive" What does that mean to people over 30? We are both in a position that we don't want to settle down, but the more I think about it.....I would be able to settle down with him.   IF he asked me to fly to Vegas and get married and let him impregnate me, I would.  I lie and say I am not ready for that.  Is it because I am scared to be alone for the rest of my life....maybe. 
      I really thought that being with Jonny was forever...as much as I was unhappy, I was ready to do that with him.  I asked him if he was ever going to ask me to marry him and you know what he said with obvious tears in his eyes? "I guess I should have asked you to marry me a long time ago"  What the fuck is that??  If you were hesitant then, why would you ever ask?
     But I guess if Drew isn't ready now, what is going to make him ready in the future?  I feel like the issue on the table is always "what more is there out there?"  When does one realize that you should just cherish what is right in front of you OR what clicks inside and says cling to what you have because floundering a few more years ISN'T worth it.
     I mean look at Nick, he said those words to me and wanted to "sow his seed" and see what else was out there and got TWO not one girls pregnant and where is he now?  Is he happy? Did he make the right decision?  Maybe I should ask him.
     As I sit here and listen to the (at the time closet case) Elton John talk about life and love, do I really learn anything?  I used to weep so much when Drew left me alone in Austin fucking Texas, but it is easier everytime.  We have even talked about how lonely we both feel and know that it's because we aren't here (or there) for each other.
     We know we don't want to settle down and have a "family", but when will that happen?  Will it ever?  I brought up whether I thought I would have kids and was leaning on the probably not side of things and he immediately stepped up and said "I will have kids with you"  Well when is it ok to take that step off the ledge?  35? 40? and why am I comparing kids to committing suicide??   How many more years will my womb lay barren before someone will stop by and fill it?  And do I want it to be occupied in the first place?  I have wanted the kick in the pants to shake me loose from this pickled state of being.   I am tired of being saturated.  Maybe it would be the life shattering realization that there is more out there than drinking and making life harder by walking through the fog of alcoholism

New Places

• Enchanted Rock
• Hamilton's Pool
• Pale Face
• Green Belt
• Guadalupe (Tubing)
• Comal (Tubing)
• Sewell (Tubing)
• Wimberley
• Barton Springs
• Deep Eddy
• Devil's Backbone
• Cypress Creek
• Blanco River
• McKinney Falls
• Kayaking on Town Lake
• Biking
• My Backyard
• Stubbs
• Monday night Beerland Karaoke
• E. 6th
• food carts
• stay at the Driskill
• La Zona Rosa
• Whole Foods
• Emo's

It may be good for me...

Immersed in music alone...
This is what I need
I cling
I have clamps
I obsess
I hold out on life for love
Is that bad?
I embody my crush and fantasize
This only child has enabled me
The only child has made this only child feel justified, never knew one before
He is as alone as I am
He is unsure as I am


I know what I want and that makes him feel secure
He is so unsure, he is so wishy washy
He flips and flops like a fish out of water, it's borderline unnerving
I know I want him
I know I am impulsive and will follow him wherever he wants to go as soon as he figures it out.
He hates that
He doesn't want me to move for him
I will
When I want something, I do it....not looking back.


Drew,

You know I love you.  I want to follow you through life.  Wherever you may choose to go.  I don't care what will happen along the way.  I won't tell you this in person because I will scare you.  You came along and snatched my heart right out of my chest.  You don't see yourself the way I see you.  You are everything I have always wanted.  You really made my year.  I thought I would have been a single being and eventually have settled on someone that met my needs, but you came along and have enveloped everything I want.

You attract me,
you peak my interest,
you are witty
you make laugh
you compliment me
you are passionate about things I like, but know next to nothing about

You say you have no direction, no drive, no ambition....
Maybe that is true right now
You will be worth more than that to me in the future...

You feel less than you can be right now...


Don't come here if you don't want to...
Don't make this your home if you aren't happy..
Don't resent me...
You say you will be happy, but will you?
Don't talk about your real home while you're here...



I don't want to hear about where you could be when you are where you are
I want to take you to places here that you've never seen...

Under the Influence

The greats have created their works under the influence...

William S. Burroughs
Hunter S. Thompson
Edgar Allen Poe

Who am I to think I can stand amongst them with my laptop?  With my spellcheck and my rewrites?
This is bullshit poetry...

Listening to Radiohead for inspiration, who am I?

Vibrating and heavy
Heart thudding with infatuation and solidarity
Alone, but shoving everyone out the fucking picture
Nose running
Surrounded by everyone I can't stand
Smelling anxiety, sneezing insecurities
Who are these people that I once loved?
Big, bad taste in my mouth
Biting my lips red with disgust
Lack of eye contact may mean you make me wrech....you do...

How long has it been?

Here I go...self reflection be my guide.  Seems like a I shed all things uncool until I am lubricated.  Ego be damned.

So what if I stay up all night and write myself into a slumber?  If there was ever to be time to get it all out and I am just typing to let it all go, maybe I can pick up a good thread of consciousness along the way.

Just to be honest about my situation since this is going to serve as a diary if i ever had one..

I have done exactly what I didn't want to do again...I have gone and fallen in love.  Are these feelings just OCD incarnate?  Am I disguising how I really feel with infatuation?

I wanted to be single and unattached so badly.  I was trying so hard to be an adult and move like a cold water stream through my next romantic endeavors and along came someone that I can't shake.  More importantly, do I want to?

I am playing the comparison game now, finding solidity in what his is that the last one is not.

Might be a smart move to make a list....not what I like about anyone, but what I want.  commence with the bullet points:
(If he ever finds this....he's going to wonder "Where's your head at?" Basement Jaxx reference)

• I thought I wanted someone into movies.  Let's examine that knowing what I know now....this is someone who is reeling for what people think about what people are creating.  This can be a slippery slope as I should probably have made the first bullet point "someone who doesn't care what other people think"  Ok, this one is a practice round then...

• Someone who doesn't care about what other people think.  This one is not to say that they aren't aware of appearance and actions altogether, but someone that can:
• Be Silly
• Know what they like and defend it if challenged (meaning that they have solid reasons why)
• Laugh at themselves
• Argue, but not get violent or too wrapped up in the argument to make light of the situation
• Be able to make me laugh
• Be willing to try new things
• Be OK with a situation not being ideal, but think of the experience overall
• Gotta be into music...but who isn't these days?  Ok, someone who has good taste in music with an open mind, but not someone who is deconstructing everything they hear and loving the classics because they are classics
• 
  
•